My Office

I have an office. It has large windows on the north side – really large windows. I work on a plateau surrounded by beautiful mountains. From my office on the plateau looking north out the large windows, I can see the beautiful mountains very well. Trying to work in an office with really large windows on a plateau surrounded by beautiful mountains is like holding a deep breath while watching a movie or TV show attempting to be the character that holds his/her breath to swim under water for long periods of time…it’s hard. No matter how much one practices or how well one anticipates the exact point in a scene where the character holds his/her breath, it’s impossible to “swim” under water as long as people in the movies. That doesn’t stop me from trying, though. Sometimes during a movie I’ll hold my breath to the point that my body starts to quiver and threatens to pee the pants if I don’t stop the ridiculous stunt. I can last about 8.6 seconds past this threat before my body takes the situation by force. Don’t ask how I figured that one out. While you’re testing your own breath-holding skills, I’ll get back to work in my office with really large windows on a plateau surrounded by beautiful mountains.

"Slither" and Nathan Fillion

I sat on my "free when you buy this tv" leather chair last night wondering what I could do to be "social." As Zena ran around the apartment mewoing at everything that moved (and didn't move), one of my friends, James, called asking if I'd like to go to the movies with he and his girlfriend, Heather. I checked my black book first to make sure I didn't have hot dates planned - all clear till 2010 - and told James I'd love to go.

At their apartment a few minutes later, the three of us started discussing which movie would be worth the $8 per ticket. After a lot of bickering and arbitrary insults all around, we decided to see Slither - Heather's choice. How bad could it be; it starred Nathan Fillion? Those of you who haven't watched the tv series "Firefly" or the movie "Serenity" (a movie continuing the story of Firefly) might not recognize the his name. He has a great character in the story (Mal - the guy in the red shirt) and says some of the funniest one-liners (for example - "They don't like it when you shoot at them. I worked that one out myself. " - "You're right, we take all the money we got saved right now, we could maybe buy a moderately-sized gerbil." - "Absolutely. I got stabbed, you know. Right here." - to name some of my favorites).

On the drive to the movie theater, I had "Mal" quotes running through my head as I giggled and ate my ice-cream cone from Sonic. A great prep for the movie. As soon as Slither started, I laughed. The opening scene is hilarious! I don't even remember the name of Nathan Fillion's character in the movie (maybe Bill or something), all I know is that I laughed the whole time. The laughter came from the stupidity of the plot, the arbitrary gore, but mostly, from the amazing one-liners! "My easy-going nature is gettin' sorely fuckin' tested." - compliments of Nathan's character. The movie wasn't worth the $8 but I'm definately going to get it when it comes out on DVD.

12 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong (lol)

01. Homosexuality is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.

02. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if homosexual marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Homosexual couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to things like cars or a longer lifespan.

11. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

Best Label Ever

Zena again

And another Zena picture - her ears look better in this one.

Zena

My amazing cat, Zena. She's a Blue-Spotted Tabby Oriental Shorthair - nice, huh?

Introduction

After reading several blogs linked from my brother's website (www.shaunaustin.com), I decided it might be fun to have my own. Not that anyone in particular wants to hear from me or read my sporadic thoughts. Of all the things in this life that seem extraordinary, funny, weird, contraditory, and amazing, if my writings about them make a person laugh or think differently, I'm happy. So, here I am.